You Have A Week

In truth, I have died a long time ago. This is me trying to exist, and failing. 

What news will my cold, hard body bring to you?
Nothing, really.

This is not surprising. I am not the only one who's succumbed to emptiness.
The black hole swallowing me, deep within.
Deeper than that.
But no new beginning awaits. No transition to a White Hole.

I am finally free of the fear I have from doing so : I am okay with the thought that I will be forgotten. That people will move on. 

I am here, I am alive - and yet I am nothing.
An overused word we often use.
You hear it so much, you forget how scary it is.
To feel an entirety of blackness, hollowness.
So vast, no one knows the depth, the width.

People will mourn me for awhile. But like everyone we lose, we learn how to deal with their absence. People will remember the good times, regret the bad.
People will look back on the could haves. The would haves.  The should haves.

Facebook posts and Tweets starting with "Abbie, I wish we..."

Truth is, I am scared of the physical pain. To feel the pain in my final hour might just be my only regret. To "feel" at the very last hour of my life. Heck.

I don't blame any of this on anyone. People around me have been giving me enough love and attention. 

But all this is bigger than that.
It's everything and nothing.
It is the wide space between the Earth, Sky. The Planets.
It is all this, contained in my tiny frame.

My soul must be set free.
It cannot hold this all in.
Not for long.



I would write about us, but what good would it do? 
Our story isn't news. It's happened before, many times. 
We'd just be misunderstood. We'd be labeled. We'd be criticised.

I would write about us, but what's it to you?
You are my entire book - a trilogy, maybe more.

I'm probably just a page in yours.
A chapter. 
A sentence.

I would write about us.
I would.

I have been.

I try and try to make it sound special - our story. But words are not adequate enough. I cannot make anyone else feel how my core shakes when you are in the room. How your kisses make me quiver. How your touch destroys and rebuilds me. 

I do not know how to share you.
I do not know how to describe your flaws and keep you as perfect as I see you.
I do not know how to describe the texture of your skin on mine.
The way your eyes close when we kiss, the taste of your tongue.

I would write about us.
I would.
I have been.


You Are Here

I would go down that road again, but I have successfully dragged my feet to the opposite direction for years.


I know, as soon as the bright red flashes before my eyes, as soon as the flesh cuts into two, I would regret it. All those years of struggling would go down the drain.

Climbing out of a hole on the Earth only to purposely fall back into it.

But this pain of feeling nothing... what could be more painful than this? The hollowness? 

I need to feel something.
I need to.



I am so tired of you all.
I am so tired of you making me happy and then making me feel like shit, then happy, then shitty.

I am so tired of you all.
I am so tired of you coming and going as you please.

I am so tired of you all.


Just As Long As I'm The Name

I know right? I mean who would even dare?

But I was bored. I need to invest in a better mic though. I mean if I'm gonna make a hobby out of this, I should at least do what I can to make myself sound better. I just used my phone's headset! But yeah... I love you Ari.


Lies = Truths

Nothing hurts more than having all the opportunities in the world to tell someone you love them - but you don't.

Because sometimes, telling people the truth will give you the exact same result of telling a lie.



If my life were a movie, at this point I would be the drunkard with no life, waiting for *that* moment which would change my life forever. And then it ends on a happy note, reassuringly saying that things won't be perfect but it would be ... Peachy from thereon out.

But it's not. This is the real world, where I've sort of done my part to make *that* moment happen. But it just won't. 

And it's gotten to a point where I wake up every single day asking myself how much longer before I don't have to open my eyes anymore.



It happened again.
I had one of those episodes where I relapse back into the dark hole that I crawled, Sadako style, my way out of.

It was calm.
It was like sitting on the edge of the dock, looking over the calmest, calmest Lake you have ever seen in your life. (And Lakes, have always terrified me. Nothing could be more terrifying than a calm body of water.)

Nothing could be more tiring than this.
Nothingness. Calmness.
With actually nothing to look forward to.

A steady life is good.
But then again, that's just a flat line.

What's the point. 

What I would give to disappear.
Disappear into thin smoke. Into nothing.



(a.k.a. Exchange 23)

You may see a lot of beautiful things in this world.
But really, tell me...

What could be more beautiful than seeing the love of your life,
With his arms wrapped around you, as you sit on his lap...
And his face lying, nestled on your chest,
Eyes closed.

What could be more beautiful than running your hands through his hair,
With your lips kissing his forehead, his eyes, his cheeks, his nose...
And he stays still,
Breathing steady.

Tell me what could be more beautiful
Than this shared moment of silence.

Tell me.



I imagine you sitting across me from the Dining Table
And you reach your hand out to me.
I shudder at the contact
The moment my skin feels yours.

I imagine you nuzzling my forehead
As you run your hands through my hair.
I smile at the silence
The moment your hand rests on my back.

I imagine you clutching me tighter
As I try to pull away from your embrace.
I giggle at the exasperation
The moment I chose to surrender.

I imagine you kissing me
At the time my words have been replaced and reduced by sobs

And I
The softness
The harshness
Of your lips
Fighting mine
Joining mine
As I fought
As I struggled

And at that moment
I knew
This was your way of telling me
That you felt
That you understood
Every single feeling and sensation

Of pain
Of fear
Of suffering

And the softness
And the harshness
Of your lips
Tell me
Words and things and feelings
Not of this world

I imagine you sleeping next to me
As you dream your little dreams
I cry at the miracle
The moment I finally

Saw myself
In you.


I'm Really Tired Of This, You Guys

It doesn't make a difference.

Who is here today is gone tomorrow. As I said in the past, we all lose people. Some we lose to death, some, we lose to life.

What difference does it make to have someone so close by, only to find out they've moved cities the next day, or don't, but cut you off. It's like a wound that is constantly cut open again as soon as it's healed.

Scars can only go so deep to the eye.

I was on my second set of upper body work out when I paused. And again, they all crawled out of the box I thought I'd gotten rid of. These feelings, for lack of a better word.

It doesn't make sense. 



(a.k.a. Exchange 22)

I took a mental picture
Of my hands wrapped in yours
While you fell asleep

Usually I wouldn't give in
To the idea of holding your hand
But yesterday felt otherwise

Slowly, I ran my fingers 
Through your palm
Before hurriedly slipping the back of my hand against it

And there it was
My tiny right hand 
Wrapped around your masculine right palm

Staring at it like a pinhole camera
I watched the image register in my head
Seeing every detail develop before my very eyes

It took awhile, like old pictures do - to process
And that, as much as I would have loved to take
A 2014 version of this photo

I might as well leave it as it is
This moment - genuine, unique



On Mute

(a.k.a. Exchange 21)

I realised how much I loved to see you Smile
Your Smile
When I found out how my lips touching your cheeks
Lights you up
Because I find myself
Doing it repeatedly
Even when you push me away, laughing
Because it tickles


Sensing The Senselessness

I can't be the only one who lies on the floor, cigarette in hand, wondering what in the world am I here for.

I watch the smoke dance in the air, until it becomes the air.

I do not understand any single thing happening in my life right now. And yet, here I sit, calmly typing away this entry, regretting the taste of nicotine in my mouth.

This is crass.

And I am so tired of this bullshit.
I've been so tempted to burn myself with a lit up butt just a few minutes ago, so close to cutting myself, just to see the pain flash blood red in front of my eyes.

So much pain I feel and yet none of it is visible to the eye.
It doesn't make sense that way. Why can't pain be visible. Why can't you see the scars on your skin when it feels just as bad on the inside. How can you prove to yourself that you're actually really feeling this. How can you prove to others that you deserve a little more consideration.

This is so tiring.
It's tiring to try and make sense of it all.

Why am I even here.
What's the point.

My Uncle just died of a Heart Attack and he supposedly still had a full life ahead of him. He's gone, just like that. Why can't I go the same way? It's not fair. My life doesn't even make any sense.

What's the point.



(a.k.a. Exchange 20)

You put your arms around me and I nuzzled into the curve of your neck.

And then we kissed.
As we went on, you pulled the duvet over our heads.

Suddenly, we were in our own World.
Safe from our troubles.
Safe from who we really are.

And all we were, and all we are
Are just two people
Who love
Are in love

Yet have no right to.


A Letter To Altuna

September 23rd / 2:04 A.M.

Dearest Mama,

Today is such a painful day for us. I do not know how to deal with this. A part of me is glad you aren't here to feel the excruciating pain of losing another member of the family. 

I'm kind of pissed because I feel like you all ganged up on us or something. It's one of those jokes that aren't funny, Ma.

It was only three months ago when Mama Felly died. I do not understand why even Tito Francis had to go, and this way. And what's worse is, he's the first in the family who passed that I would not be able to say goodbye to. It's my first time and I don't know how to deal with it. 

I know Tito understands, I know everyone else back home understands. But I don't. My heart is aching. Each time someone else goes, the pain is worse than the last. Our family is shrinking. I cannot bear any more losses, Mama. Not like this. 

It's so unfair, Ma.
It's so unfair.

I bet you're very proud of your Brother though. Just look at his Children. Look at how he and Tita Lyn raised them. And you know I couldn't be more proud of my Cousins. In so many ways, I know they're more mature than I am.

Do you remember when I was little and Chie and I were so inseparable? I would always sleep over at their house in Luna. Most days even when I was older, Tita Lyn would always introduce me as their "ampon" to their friends that we bump into. And that's what Tito has always been to me. A DAD.

I will miss the way he sweetly calls me "Bie".

Could you tell him that, Ma? Could you tell Tito how much I miss him, and how much the following days will hurt, knowing that the next time I will be home, he's no longer going to be there to insist in picking us up from the Airport, or drive us to anywhere we wish, or sit with us during Lunch and Dinner. I will no longer hear his laugh while watching something funny on TV even when I'm in the other room, a trait you actually both share (your cute, loud laugh).

I am not taking this well at all. You're so lucky, Ma. I hate you guys right now.

Another part of me died with Tito. 
I'm afraid this won't make me the same person.

It's also part of the reason why I don't want to have kids, you know. I don't want to have to worry about another person's life when I already have so many people to worry about. And I don't want my Kids to go through something like THIS. Is that stupid? I know it is. You're probably going to say something real smart to counter that. I know it's wrong, but I think it's just right for someone who's learned to be more selfish.

3 more hours and Tito will be cremated.
Mama... I don't know how to deal with this.

Love, Nee


For You, Francis Alducente

Until I see you again. 
I love you so much.


"This", You Say.

Death is such a cliché. 

You'd think after experiencing one Death in the Family, and then one  after the other, you'd be numb to it and finally see that it was indeed, inevitable. What was meant to happen is what is supposed to happen. Fate. Destiny. 

"That's life", you say.
How ironic to say that during...Death.
"That's life", you say again.

You'd think since Death, as an end point of the beginning, you'd be taught how to deal with it, from your very first experience of loss, only to realise how the next one will hurt more than the last. The thought of your Family shrinking, the thought of more empty chairs during Dinner, noises in the house lessening, their existences reduced to memories. 

"Hold onto them with pride", you say.
How ironic to say, when their existence was what brought them to be.
"Hold onto them with pride", you say.

You'd think it would be easier for you to accept it then, this...reality. One wake up call after the other, taunting you. You see people from birth, grow up around them, you know they're your own flesh and blood, and yet you forget how fragile they are. How fragile we all are, and that no matter how you perceived them to be - superheroes in disguise, these invincible people...death can touch them, and take them, just like that. Cancer, or a Heart Attack, whatever it wills.  You forget to see that beneath all day, their red capes and black masks will be left in the emptiest corners of their rooms, gathering dust. And you find yourself as empty as the four corners of the home that was once a witness to the beauty of their everyday lives.

"Death is such a cliché", you say.
And yet every time you feel its presence in your life, it feels just like the first time.
"Death is such a cliché", you say.
And then isn't such a cliché after all.


Cause When You're Fifteen

I was tagged by Christia, JMark, Munda and Chettie on Facebook. And if you've been a reader of my blog, you'd know how much of a Film / Movie Geek I am. So here, what every person of my kind dreads to do : list down a limited number of movies that's stuck with them. Eek.

1. Empire Records
2. The "Before" Trilogy : Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Before Midnight
3. The Dreamers
4. Jeux D'Enfants
5. Mysterious Skin
6. 28 Hotel Rooms
7. Blue is the Warmest Color
8. The Royal Tenenbaums
9. Army of Darkness
10. Dazed and Confused
11. Clueless
12. Dirty Dancing
13. Jesus Christ Superstar
14. Gummo
15. Irreversible

Tagging everyone else who'd like to do this. Although I doubt it, because you'd probably want to extend it to a hundred... or a thousand. Yeah, a thousand.

Or a million?


Physically Free, Emotionally Bound

It is such a tragedy
To let our bodies go
Where our hearts cannot


Twenny Thangs

I was tagged by Lei on Instagram but I thought of posting it here for fun (also, hello lengthy paragraphs!)

1.) I have entered the pretentious "Back to Basics, Less is More, Simple = Classy" phase. I have veered into wearing more neutral colours. I still like the occasional POP of neon every now and then, but mostly it's the neutrals that I pile on my shopping bag (and body). This has affected everything, even my choice of bed sheets and make-up.

2.) One of my worst pet peeves is waking up to find out that my nail polish was ruined in my sleep. I hate it. It makes me feel gross and dirty when I look at them.

3.) Whenever I find out that my favourite photo editing app has new available presets, I won't be able to sleep until I get them. Which also explains how I consider iTunes cards to be a necessity.

4.) As much as I love Hip-Hop and R&B, I hate that most of it's lyrics are about Sex and Booty and Sex and Booty and Sex and Booty and Sex and Booty. Also, Sex and Booty.

5.) It's been weeks since I last played Covet, Kim Kardashian : Hollywood and Sims. And I am not even worried...not even about my Horses.

Okay now I am.

6.) I've been hoarding books these days. But I never make time to read them. And I hate myself for it.

7.) Sometimes I think about getting a Liposuction.

8.) I will always be proud of the fact, and I will say this shamelessly - of how many times people mouthed the words "Heart" when I pass by or enter a room or whatever. I will always be proud of that fact because I love her endlessly.

9.) I am in love with my job. I thank God everyday for blessing me with it.

10.) As if it isn't obvious enough, Candice Swanepoel is my bodspiration.

11.) I've considered getting a tattoo of Max's crown (from Where the Wild Things Are) on my nape. Aside from the idea of getting my Mom's name in Arabic, it's been months since I had this idea and I haven't hated it yet.

12.) Apparently, when I was 6, I had the biggest crush on Romnick Sarmienta.

13.) Deep down, I know one day soon Mindy Kaling and I will be the bestestest of friends, because irregardless, we both know what it is like to feel sadliness. 

14.) With that being said, UGHHHHHHH CHRIS MESSINAAAAAAAAAAA is driving me nuts.

15.) I have Five words for you : Hermès Birkin, Cartier Love Bangle.

16.) Three more words for you : Christian Louboutin Pigalle.

17.) Two more words for you : Chanel 2.55

18.) I've been denying it all this time but I can finally admit to myself that a spoiled little brat.

19.) I tried to apply as a Flight Attendant and got rejected twice thanks to my height. After this heartbreaking experience (bearing in mind all the things that happened in my life), it was my first time to question God - asking Him why He didn't find it in Himself to give me just 5 more centimetres to reach the minimum requirement. It was one of those painful moments of rejection because I've always dreamed of being a Flight Attendant, it was one of the things I'd answer as a child when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Deep down I will always be bitter about it, and I won't be a hypocrite to deny that. But I am slowly learning and realising that He has placed me in the right place. God will ALWAYS give you what is best for you. He always does. Because what's best for "everyone else" isn't what's best for you.

20.) Almost on a daily basis, I tend to forget that both my Grandmother and Mom are no longer here.

Everyday, a tiny crack forms in my heart as soon as I remember this reality.

I am tagging anyone else who'd like to do this. Mention me if you do!


All We Can Do Is


So Many Red Lights

The house does not feel the same without him.

That is the first thing that came to mind when she found it empty. Sure, most of the time they mind their own business, but the house does not feel the same without him. 

She has to stop taking advantage of him like this.
She has to stop.


Admission : One

It's a nice feeling to admit when you're at fault. I just wish other people didn't have that much of an ego to admit their mistakes too. 

In order to get respect from others, you first have to find it in yourself ... to respect yourself.  Because as soon as you do, you'll be able to find the courage to walk out of a situation where you're being treated less than you deserve. You won't even feel the need to demand for an apology, or an acceptance of the apology you've just asked. 

Not all friendships you've had for years are the way you thought they are...or, were. At one point you will realise that all this time you've felt so small around them. And that's not good for you. You should feel grateful and thankful for everything but that doesn't mean you have to settle. 

As that saying goes...NEVER SETTLE. And this doesn't just apply in romantic relationships. It applies in all of them.


I Try

This song is one of my favourites to offer during Service. Ah, I love Brooke Fraser.

And this, still makes me cry.



Ugh, I could barely get in the shower when the water's all cold. So doing this felt like the world was telling me, "How about we make you try ICE COLD WATER and see if you like it?"

Didn't have time to make my video any special or anything. Sorry.

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge from Abbie Almasco on Vimeo.

This has drawn so much controversy, hasn't it? There are some people who forgot what it was for, and have been doing it for the sake of joining in "the bandwagon", there are people pointing out that ALSA.ORG is not using the funds for research, yada-yada-yada, the list goes on. Who knows. God forbid the latter isn't true at all. 

I'd like to thank my friend Sheena, who didn't just nominate me, but also paid my donation for me through her credit card (mine's expired already, so I ended up paying her cash in exchange of donating for me through her Dad's CC) - THANK YOU, SHEENIE!

God Bless everyone who did this and donated too. Doesn't matter how much you've donated. It just feels good to know there are people in this World who are still willing to do something like this to help out. 

I really hope we can find a cure for this. And Cancer, and AIDS, and Ebola, and all those mean, nasty diseases that have been taking away loved ones from us.

Until that glorious and miraculous day comes, we will keep needing each other like this. 

God bless us all.


Antee Swowz Yel

I've been such an anti-social person lately. 

The other day, during Dinner, my friends thought we should try that thing where we all put our cellphones on top of each other throughout the evening without checking them.  The goal was to interact with each other. As you know, times have changed. People hang out so they won't have to scroll through their phones alone.

I found it so hard to talk to them. It was like, we were all talking at once, or at one point I wasn't relating to anyone at all. I kept talking but no one was listening, sometimes they were but it felt like I didn't know what I was saying. It was a confusing time.

I also ended up saying a lot of things related to feels. Which was stupid. It was not the time for that.

Earlier today, also during Dinner, our waiter came to our table and tried to make small talk. I DESPISE small talk. I tried so hard to remain polite and interested. It made me uncomfortable.

On my way to work everyday, the Driver tries to initiate small talk with me. Although it's fun, because you always learn something new from conversations like this, especially during rides on your way to work, but these days, I just feel like keeping to myself. I feel like my conscience would nudge me sometimes, telling me to try to be a little considerate. But that's like, not being true to myself... Right? I don't know.

People in the office think I don't like hanging out with them probably, because I barely sit with them during Lunch Break. But it's nothing like that. 

I just enjoy the silence, I guess. I like hearing myself, my thoughts. You should see how happy I am when I find out I'm in the lounge alone.

People are such a disappointment, you know?
Sometimes I feel like, the lesser actual, real-life, face to face interaction I have with them, the better.

Just let me sit here in one corner and take selfies in peace. You know, that feeling. Don't get me wrong though, I love my friends. I really do. 

This is probably just a phase too, I guess. Or maybe the times are changing. Maybe I'M changing. Somehow, it does feel good to know that you really don't need people at all, and yeah - there are a handful of people I know I will always need. But I guess I'm talking about the overall concept of people in our lives. Be grateful for the friendships, for the family you have. Maybe what I'm trying to say is, apart from God - you're all you'll ever need, really. The rest is just a bonus.

Oh, Adulthood. 


Put This On A Shirt

"You only want me

Until you don't"

A Love Story


Girls Just Wanna

Taking a break from all the drama (publicly), and since I am also, taking a break from posting anything on my Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (well, except for the songs I've covered), thought of uploading these photos here.

I was treated to this yummy yummy Kit-Kat cake from Saadeedin earlier. It was so good!

Some of today's acquisitions. FINALLY, a sculpting kit from MUFE! So excited to start using it tomorrow. I've been using cheap (but awesome too, nonetheless) contouring products from Maybelline, but they're too creamy for me. Powder is awesome! And I bought a Contouring Brush too. Can't wait to raid MAC for their brushes soon.

The Ballet flats on the left was only bought back in July, and because I've used them on almost a daily basis, it's really worn out! So I got the pair on the right as its replacement (or, well - alternative. Those Ballet Flats are the comfiest, like wearing a pair of Toms!)

I'm thinking of splurging on Chanel's Primer by next month, as well as investing on really good loose powder. 

My Lipstick Addiction is back, too.

Thanks, Maya for filling in for what my Wallet cannot produce at the moment! Love you.



I may not mean much.
Until you lose me.



She reeked of sweat
And cigarette
Staring into the Sky
With barely a star in sight
Blurred into Oblivion by the City Lights

She watches the Smoke
Emerge from her nostrils
Disappearing to space
Hearing life as it happens
While death dances around her

She is tempted to burn
To pierce her skin
With her fifth light of cancer stick
Just to feel
Just to feel

She cries
Until she could no more
Until she is robbed off of any emotion
Any thought
Of what is

Of what will never be was
Of what should never have been
Of what will always be



Someone should paint her like this
Sitting in a dark corner
Mascara running down her cheeks
Cigarette in hand

Someone should paint her like this
To capture how everything is whole on the outside
And shattered on the inside

Someone should paint her like this
The only time she is true to herself

Someone should paint her like this