(a.k.a. Exchange 16)

With you, I will always want more. No matter how many times I end up in Rehab, I relapse the moment I step out of the Building. I trick myself to believe that I am well, deep down I've already ran back to you - which I do, the minute my papers are signed and I am cleared of this...addiction.

Its almost like a reflex, you see. The way I react to you, the way I respond to your every word, or touch, or kiss. Its something that comes instantly. I've put my foot down in the matter of you, but I realized I would do that just so I could walk to your direction. 

I will always want more from you. More hugs, more kisses, more time, more moments. Yes, more. More than that. I will want more than you can give me. I will want more than I can take. 

You're so good for me, its bad.
You're so bad for me, its good.
Oftentimes I would confuse these two with each other. But all I know is that these feelings are do damn real, its ridiculous. I have never felt so fulfilled and so empty at the same time when I am with you. I am satisfied, but I am nowhere nearly filled. Its like a hunger that never ends.

I would touch you even when everyone else could see, but its never enough. Its like I'd wish you'd pull me into a dark room and we'd stay in there for as long as we want, consuming each other until we're convinced we could call it a day. Or maybe we'll never leave.

When we're marking ourselves all over each other, it would feel like the longest moment of my life, and also the shortest. Like its never enough. With you, it will never be - even when I think you have given me more than I ask.

More. I will always want more. 




There Are Choices You Stand By, And, Well, There Are Choices You Stand By

Decisions. Didn't you wish there wasn't such a thing as "Decisions"? Well, there are fun ones, like deciding on what Dress to wear, which shade of Lipstick to get, does this Painting look good on the wall, should you ignore the Sale Racks today? And well, there are stressful ones too like, deciding on what Dress to wear, which shade of Lipstick to get, does this Painting look good on the wall, should you ignore the Sale Racks today?

And then there are the ones that involve your Life. Your future, your whole effing being.

Like having Kids.

In a very angry entry I published a year ago on my blog, I remember drowning my flat in tears, typing it. It was my voiceless appeal to a decision made for me at the time. Who knew I would want the same thing a year later.

I sure didn't.

I've read a couple of articles coming from two Women with different stands on such a bold and brave choice... of not conceiving.

You've read about it somewhere, you've seen it on your favorite television show, or you might know someone who's chosen to go down a similar path. I would judge them too in my head. I just realized how stupid it was (to judge people for their decisions and what they wish to do with their lives).

I have nothing against Kids. In fact, I adore their tiny feet, I love how they smell, and when they giggle at me, my heart melts. I love watching them run and play without a care in the world. I love seeing the innocence in their eyes. I love the questions they ask, and the sincerity of every word they say. In fact, as I type this paragraph, I'm wishing I had one right now, sleeping on my lap. But, as terrible as this sounds, I think I can only be there for them while they're cute, and not when they're calling for me at 3 in the Morning.

Parenthood is an instinct. I am well aware of that. No one is ever ready to have kids. But when they do, its like magic. They do things they never thought they could, like we were all born with another person inside us who would take over as soon as we've released one of our own into the world.

But I don't think Parenthood is for everyone. I don't think I was built for it. There were days in College where I would daydream about having one, and I swore I already felt the joy of seeing my Baby's face for the first time. I would rehearse the things I would teach my offspring in my Mother's voice and tone, and I loved it. I was ready for it. I yearned for it.

But things happen. I was taken out of Kansas and after another Hot Air Balloon ride, made my way out of the Rabbit hole. 

Maybe I'm just saying this now. Maybe I can't have Kids anyway because there's something wrong with me. Who knows?

But if I ever don't have them, or can't have them, I know there will be days when I wish I did, or could. There will be days when I'd regret this decision I knew I was very sure of. I know its true when that one Woman said it is the very definition of your life and happiness, and that you will feel a hole, deep down, that you can't fill. I know that to be true. But I can't allow myself to live by that thought.

You can't do things Society tells you to do because its normal, because its essential. You have to do things that you want to do because its your definition of normal, because it constitutes what is essential for you. Whatever you decide to do with your life, as long as it does not directly harm anyone, as long as it does not destroy you - DO IT. Its your life. Do not let this world and its norms define you.

People who have kids are happy, that's a universal truth. It is a difficult thing to be a Parent, but it is also a beautiful experience, and very much worth the ride.

But People who choose not to have them can be happy too. It is a difficult thing not to be a Parent, but it is also a beautiful experience, and very much worth the ride.

There will be shitty days and rough patches whether you are a Parent or not. Its part of Life. Seriously, you should know that by now. 

I'm sure most people would look at me like I'm a Martian (no offense to the Martians, I know they told us there isn't life on Mars but I'd like to believe you were seeking refuge on your super cool Spaceship while the Humans did an awesomeawesome job of exploring your Soils and returned after our Rovers left your Turf), and like I'm deluded or that I wasn't raised right. And actually, I feel sorry for them. That includes the person who I was a year ago. 

There really is more to life than all these things and beliefs we grew up with and accepted. Please don't feel bad for me. Please don't feel bad for us. Like you, we will be happy and merry. Like you, we will be fulfilled.

The person I am now has made a decision.
And I feel completely normal.




She likes the sound of her Stilettos, always thought it made a Woman sexier. Walking towards her car, she took a step with her left foot. As soon as it was on the concrete floor of the sidewalk, she stopped. Then it dawned on her. 

She couldn't live two lives anymore.



She never liked smoking. And yet she did, on this cold, cold night, in nothing but her panties and a Wifebeater.

Sitting on the Bathroom floor, she clutches her legs to her chest, inhaling, and letting it go - like she intends to.

Vices are never good. And yet they make you feel good - for all the wrong and damaging reasons.

She knew there was a reason she couldn't quit him.
Yet, like all vices, she knows she has to.


Good 'Ol Tay Tay

Taylor Swift. 

What's to hate about Taylor Swift? She's a Sweetheart, she's gorgeous, she's talented, and she writes what she feels. 

You know, a lot of people have hated on Taylor for the way she uses her music as an outlet whenever a relationship she's in falls apart. But I admire it. I admire the way she puts herself out there, I love how she makes hits out of these songs because they're real. She isn't the only one who goes through these things, a lot of other girls too, and they feel good that someone else like Taylor, who seems to have everything this world could offer, could go through something like heartbreak and rejection, and what have you.

On a recent interview she did for Glamour Magazine, she said : 

“I find it relatively easy to keep my clothes on because I don’t really feel like taking them off. It’s not an urge I have. For me ‘risky’ is revealing what really happened in my life through music. Risky is writing confessional songs and telling the true story ... That’s putting myself out there, maybe even more than taking my shirt off.”

 Here's my favorite cover of Taylor so far. Too pretty for words!

And I agree completely. A lot of people find it hard to express themselves with all the means that is available to human beings. Emotions are very tricky. When not expressed in the right way, it could destroy you.

I know I'm not famous for my blogging, but some of the stuff I publish are very, very personal. It's a healthy choice compared to the pool of self-destruction, where I've dipped my toes on several times. 

I really think Taylor is someone Girls should look up to. Sure, she's dated a couple of Guys, one after the other, wrote a song about it one after the other, but isn't that what life's about, really? You try and you fail. You can't settle for anything less than you deserve, so you keep trying, and you find yourself each time, until you end up with who and what you're meant for. Its not like she's doing anything illegal. Besides, most of her songs are Beautiful and Raw, you can feel every single line. 

Is it obvious that I am currently listening to "All Too Well" and weeping on the inside while I type this entry?

So, as I said in a very lengthy Facebook Status related to this :
Let us all headbang backwards in celebration.


Bounds, Boundaries

I saw Blue Is The Warmest Color yesterday. It was one of the movies that I saw until the credits rolled out. Up until the end. I stared blankly at the TV Screen, taking a few minutes before stating the already obvious fact : "I love it."

The raw feel of the entire film, as well as the genuine acting of the actresses, blew me away. 

And yet I sit here, typing away my feelings and I feel like crap because it doesn't do the movie justice.

It explores Human Sexuality, and well - as you already know, mostly in a Woman's POV. I don't know why but I could just relate to the whole thing. I've always known I had these tendencies but never had the opportunity to feed that side of me because, well... I guess I wasn't curious enough, or probably because it is too impossible for me to hook up with Kate Moss, who is the only one I consider to be with, if that ship ever sails. But then again, here I am presented with Adèle Exarchopoulos (sure, Léa Seydoux is smoking hot. I've noticed that since I saw her in "Les Adieux à La Rein", but man).

Loves knows no gender. And how blind it is, man, I cannot even explain.

Isn't it strange how love can make you feel limitless when you're with that one person, but also, after it tragically ends, limit you to everything else outside of that relationship?