There Are Choices You Stand By, And, Well, There Are Choices You Stand By
Decisions. Didn't you wish there wasn't such a thing as "Decisions"? Well, there are fun ones, like deciding on what Dress to wear, which shade of Lipstick to get, does this Painting look good on the wall, should you ignore the Sale Racks today? And well, there are stressful ones too like, deciding on what Dress to wear, which shade of Lipstick to get, does this Painting look good on the wall, should you ignore the Sale Racks today?
And then there are the ones that involve your Life. Your future, your whole effing being.
Like having Kids.
In a very angry entry I published a year ago on my blog, I remember drowning my flat in tears, typing it. It was my voiceless appeal to a decision made for me at the time. Who knew I would want the same thing a year later.
I sure didn't.
I've read a couple of articles coming from two Women with different stands on such a bold and brave choice... of not conceiving.
You've read about it somewhere, you've seen it on your favorite television show, or you might know someone who's chosen to go down a similar path. I would judge them too in my head. I just realized how stupid it was (to judge people for their decisions and what they wish to do with their lives).
I have nothing against Kids. In fact, I adore their tiny feet, I love how they smell, and when they giggle at me, my heart melts. I love watching them run and play without a care in the world. I love seeing the innocence in their eyes. I love the questions they ask, and the sincerity of every word they say. In fact, as I type this paragraph, I'm wishing I had one right now, sleeping on my lap. But, as terrible as this sounds, I think I can only be there for them while they're cute, and not when they're calling for me at 3 in the Morning.
Parenthood is an instinct. I am well aware of that. No one is ever ready to have kids. But when they do, its like magic. They do things they never thought they could, like we were all born with another person inside us who would take over as soon as we've released one of our own into the world.
But I don't think Parenthood is for everyone. I don't think I was built for it. There were days in College where I would daydream about having one, and I swore I already felt the joy of seeing my Baby's face for the first time. I would rehearse the things I would teach my offspring in my Mother's voice and tone, and I loved it. I was ready for it. I yearned for it.
But things happen. I was taken out of Kansas and after another Hot Air Balloon ride, made my way out of the Rabbit hole.
Maybe I'm just saying this now. Maybe I can't have Kids anyway because there's something wrong with me. Who knows?
But if I ever don't have them, or can't have them, I know there will be days when I wish I did, or could. There will be days when I'd regret this decision I knew I was very sure of. I know its true when that one Woman said it is the very definition of your life and happiness, and that you will feel a hole, deep down, that you can't fill. I know that to be true. But I can't allow myself to live by that thought.
You can't do things Society tells you to do because its normal, because its essential. You have to do things that you want to do because its your definition of normal, because it constitutes what is essential for you. Whatever you decide to do with your life, as long as it does not directly harm anyone, as long as it does not destroy you - DO IT. Its your life. Do not let this world and its norms define you.
People who have kids are happy, that's a universal truth. It is a difficult thing to be a Parent, but it is also a beautiful experience, and very much worth the ride.
But People who choose not to have them can be happy too. It is a difficult thing not to be a Parent, but it is also a beautiful experience, and very much worth the ride.
There will be shitty days and rough patches whether you are a Parent or not. Its part of Life. Seriously, you should know that by now.
I'm sure most people would look at me like I'm a Martian (no offense to the Martians, I know they told us there isn't life on Mars but I'd like to believe you were seeking refuge on your super cool Spaceship while the Humans did an awesomeawesome job of exploring your Soils and returned after our Rovers left your Turf), and like I'm deluded or that I wasn't raised right. And actually, I feel sorry for them. That includes the person who I was a year ago.
There really is more to life than all these things and beliefs we grew up with and accepted. Please don't feel bad for me. Please don't feel bad for us. Like you, we will be happy and merry. Like you, we will be fulfilled.
The person I am now has made a decision.
And I feel completely normal.