I woke up with a very familiar feeling of not having the will to live. "Why didn't I die in my sleep?" I thought to myself. Last night was worse. Lying awake on the bed until 5 in the morning,and I couldn't help but wish it was my last night on Earth.
I wanted to watch myself go. I was battling the need to fall asleep, because, well, why do we even need sleep? It's temporary death - so teasing. You are relieved of your pain until you open your eyes.
Aren't feelings funny? When you feel them in your heart, and hear the words, describing your feelings in your head, it makes so much sense - until you blurt it out. When you say your feelings with your heart, to the world it sounds like an ordinary thing. Like they've heard it before. Like it's usual. Normal.
When it clearly isn't.
You want depth. You want them to feel you to the very core of your being, your bones. You want them to cut past the flesh, the blood, the veins. You want them to be you at that very moment, feeling the things you do. And yet they can't. Because they are easily blinded by their own opinions of the situation you're in, and worse - they are blinded by their opinions of you, saying if they were in your shoes, they'd know what to do, because its supposed to be easy.
But really, what do they know?
Nothing of my pain, nothing of my suffering. The only one who understands me is God, and yet here I am, not taking His hand, not accepting His embrace, not listening to His guidance.
I'm a Wreck.