(a.k.a. Exchange 20)

You put your arms around me and I nuzzled into the curve of your neck.

And then we kissed.
As we went on, you pulled the duvet over our heads.

Suddenly, we were in our own World.
Safe from our troubles.
Safe from who we really are.

And all we were, and all we are
Are just two people
Who love
Are in love

Yet have no right to.


A Letter To Altuna

September 23rd / 2:04 A.M.

Dearest Mama,

Today is such a painful day for us. I do not know how to deal with this. A part of me is glad you aren't here to feel the excruciating pain of losing another member of the family. 

I'm kind of pissed because I feel like you all ganged up on us or something. It's one of those jokes that aren't funny, Ma.

It was only three months ago when Mama Felly died. I do not understand why even Tito Francis had to go, and this way. And what's worse is, he's the first in the family who passed that I would not be able to say goodbye to. It's my first time and I don't know how to deal with it. 

I know Tito understands, I know everyone else back home understands. But I don't. My heart is aching. Each time someone else goes, the pain is worse than the last. Our family is shrinking. I cannot bear any more losses, Mama. Not like this. 

It's so unfair, Ma.
It's so unfair.

I bet you're very proud of your Brother though. Just look at his Children. Look at how he and Tita Lyn raised them. And you know I couldn't be more proud of my Cousins. In so many ways, I know they're more mature than I am.

Do you remember when I was little and Chie and I were so inseparable? I would always sleep over at their house in Luna. Most days even when I was older, Tita Lyn would always introduce me as their "ampon" to their friends that we bump into. And that's what Tito has always been to me. A DAD.

I will miss the way he sweetly calls me "Bie".

Could you tell him that, Ma? Could you tell Tito how much I miss him, and how much the following days will hurt, knowing that the next time I will be home, he's no longer going to be there to insist in picking us up from the Airport, or drive us to anywhere we wish, or sit with us during Lunch and Dinner. I will no longer hear his laugh while watching something funny on TV even when I'm in the other room, a trait you actually both share (your cute, loud laugh).

I am not taking this well at all. You're so lucky, Ma. I hate you guys right now.

Another part of me died with Tito. 
I'm afraid this won't make me the same person.

It's also part of the reason why I don't want to have kids, you know. I don't want to have to worry about another person's life when I already have so many people to worry about. And I don't want my Kids to go through something like THIS. Is that stupid? I know it is. You're probably going to say something real smart to counter that. I know it's wrong, but I think it's just right for someone who's learned to be more selfish.

3 more hours and Tito will be cremated.
Mama... I don't know how to deal with this.

Love, Nee


For You, Francis Alducente

Until I see you again. 
I love you so much.


"This", You Say.

Death is such a cliché. 

You'd think after experiencing one Death in the Family, and then one  after the other, you'd be numb to it and finally see that it was indeed, inevitable. What was meant to happen is what is supposed to happen. Fate. Destiny. 

"That's life", you say.
How ironic to say that during...Death.
"That's life", you say again.

You'd think since Death, as an end point of the beginning, you'd be taught how to deal with it, from your very first experience of loss, only to realise how the next one will hurt more than the last. The thought of your Family shrinking, the thought of more empty chairs during Dinner, noises in the house lessening, their existences reduced to memories. 

"Hold onto them with pride", you say.
How ironic to say, when their existence was what brought them to be.
"Hold onto them with pride", you say.

You'd think it would be easier for you to accept it then, this...reality. One wake up call after the other, taunting you. You see people from birth, grow up around them, you know they're your own flesh and blood, and yet you forget how fragile they are. How fragile we all are, and that no matter how you perceived them to be - superheroes in disguise, these invincible people...death can touch them, and take them, just like that. Cancer, or a Heart Attack, whatever it wills.  You forget to see that beneath all day, their red capes and black masks will be left in the emptiest corners of their rooms, gathering dust. And you find yourself as empty as the four corners of the home that was once a witness to the beauty of their everyday lives.

"Death is such a cliché", you say.
And yet every time you feel its presence in your life, it feels just like the first time.
"Death is such a cliché", you say.
And then isn't such a cliché after all.


Cause When You're Fifteen

I was tagged by Christia, JMark, Munda and Chettie on Facebook. And if you've been a reader of my blog, you'd know how much of a Film / Movie Geek I am. So here, what every person of my kind dreads to do : list down a limited number of movies that's stuck with them. Eek.

1. Empire Records
2. The "Before" Trilogy : Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Before Midnight
3. The Dreamers
4. Jeux D'Enfants
5. Mysterious Skin
6. 28 Hotel Rooms
7. Blue is the Warmest Color
8. The Royal Tenenbaums
9. Army of Darkness
10. Dazed and Confused
11. Clueless
12. Dirty Dancing
13. Jesus Christ Superstar
14. Gummo
15. Irreversible

Tagging everyone else who'd like to do this. Although I doubt it, because you'd probably want to extend it to a hundred... or a thousand. Yeah, a thousand.

Or a million?


Physically Free, Emotionally Bound

It is such a tragedy
To let our bodies go
Where our hearts cannot


Twenny Thangs

I was tagged by Lei on Instagram but I thought of posting it here for fun (also, hello lengthy paragraphs!)

1.) I have entered the pretentious "Back to Basics, Less is More, Simple = Classy" phase. I have veered into wearing more neutral colours. I still like the occasional POP of neon every now and then, but mostly it's the neutrals that I pile on my shopping bag (and body). This has affected everything, even my choice of bed sheets and make-up.

2.) One of my worst pet peeves is waking up to find out that my nail polish was ruined in my sleep. I hate it. It makes me feel gross and dirty when I look at them.

3.) Whenever I find out that my favourite photo editing app has new available presets, I won't be able to sleep until I get them. Which also explains how I consider iTunes cards to be a necessity.

4.) As much as I love Hip-Hop and R&B, I hate that most of it's lyrics are about Sex and Booty and Sex and Booty and Sex and Booty and Sex and Booty. Also, Sex and Booty.

5.) It's been weeks since I last played Covet, Kim Kardashian : Hollywood and Sims. And I am not even worried...not even about my Horses.

Okay now I am.

6.) I've been hoarding books these days. But I never make time to read them. And I hate myself for it.

7.) Sometimes I think about getting a Liposuction.

8.) I will always be proud of the fact, and I will say this shamelessly - of how many times people mouthed the words "Heart" when I pass by or enter a room or whatever. I will always be proud of that fact because I love her endlessly.

9.) I am in love with my job. I thank God everyday for blessing me with it.

10.) As if it isn't obvious enough, Candice Swanepoel is my bodspiration.

11.) I've considered getting a tattoo of Max's crown (from Where the Wild Things Are) on my nape. Aside from the idea of getting my Mom's name in Arabic, it's been months since I had this idea and I haven't hated it yet.

12.) Apparently, when I was 6, I had the biggest crush on Romnick Sarmienta.

13.) Deep down, I know one day soon Mindy Kaling and I will be the bestestest of friends, because irregardless, we both know what it is like to feel sadliness. 

14.) With that being said, UGHHHHHHH CHRIS MESSINAAAAAAAAAAA is driving me nuts.

15.) I have Five words for you : Hermès Birkin, Cartier Love Bangle.

16.) Three more words for you : Christian Louboutin Pigalle.

17.) Two more words for you : Chanel 2.55

18.) I've been denying it all this time but I can finally admit to myself that a spoiled little brat.

19.) I tried to apply as a Flight Attendant and got rejected twice thanks to my height. After this heartbreaking experience (bearing in mind all the things that happened in my life), it was my first time to question God - asking Him why He didn't find it in Himself to give me just 5 more centimetres to reach the minimum requirement. It was one of those painful moments of rejection because I've always dreamed of being a Flight Attendant, it was one of the things I'd answer as a child when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Deep down I will always be bitter about it, and I won't be a hypocrite to deny that. But I am slowly learning and realising that He has placed me in the right place. God will ALWAYS give you what is best for you. He always does. Because what's best for "everyone else" isn't what's best for you.

20.) Almost on a daily basis, I tend to forget that both my Grandmother and Mom are no longer here.

Everyday, a tiny crack forms in my heart as soon as I remember this reality.

I am tagging anyone else who'd like to do this. Mention me if you do!