A Letter To Altuna




September 23rd / 2:04 A.M.



Dearest Mama,

Today is such a painful day for us. I do not know how to deal with this. A part of me is glad you aren't here to feel the excruciating pain of losing another member of the family. 

I'm kind of pissed because I feel like you all ganged up on us or something. It's one of those jokes that aren't funny, Ma.

It was only three months ago when Mama Felly died. I do not understand why even Tito Francis had to go, and this way. And what's worse is, he's the first in the family who passed that I would not be able to say goodbye to. It's my first time and I don't know how to deal with it. 

I know Tito understands, I know everyone else back home understands. But I don't. My heart is aching. Each time someone else goes, the pain is worse than the last. Our family is shrinking. I cannot bear any more losses, Mama. Not like this. 

It's so unfair, Ma.
It's so unfair.

I bet you're very proud of your Brother though. Just look at his Children. Look at how he and Tita Lyn raised them. And you know I couldn't be more proud of my Cousins. In so many ways, I know they're more mature than I am.

Do you remember when I was little and Chie and I were so inseparable? I would always sleep over at their house in Luna. Most days even when I was older, Tita Lyn would always introduce me as their "ampon" to their friends that we bump into. And that's what Tito has always been to me. A DAD.

I will miss the way he sweetly calls me "Bie".

Could you tell him that, Ma? Could you tell Tito how much I miss him, and how much the following days will hurt, knowing that the next time I will be home, he's no longer going to be there to insist in picking us up from the Airport, or drive us to anywhere we wish, or sit with us during Lunch and Dinner. I will no longer hear his laugh while watching something funny on TV even when I'm in the other room, a trait you actually both share (your cute, loud laugh).

I am not taking this well at all. You're so lucky, Ma. I hate you guys right now.


Another part of me died with Tito. 
I'm afraid this won't make me the same person.

It's also part of the reason why I don't want to have kids, you know. I don't want to have to worry about another person's life when I already have so many people to worry about. And I don't want my Kids to go through something like THIS. Is that stupid? I know it is. You're probably going to say something real smart to counter that. I know it's wrong, but I think it's just right for someone who's learned to be more selfish.

3 more hours and Tito will be cremated.
Mama... I don't know how to deal with this.




Love, Nee










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