If my life were a movie, at this point I would be the drunkard with no life, waiting for *that* moment which would change my life forever. And then it ends on a happy note, reassuringly saying that things won't be perfect but it would be ... Peachy from thereon out.

But it's not. This is the real world, where I've sort of done my part to make *that* moment happen. But it just won't. 

And it's gotten to a point where I wake up every single day asking myself how much longer before I don't have to open my eyes anymore.



It happened again.
I had one of those episodes where I relapse back into the dark hole that I crawled, Sadako style, my way out of.

It was calm.
It was like sitting on the edge of the dock, looking over the calmest, calmest Lake you have ever seen in your life. (And Lakes, have always terrified me. Nothing could be more terrifying than a calm body of water.)

Nothing could be more tiring than this.
Nothingness. Calmness.
With actually nothing to look forward to.

A steady life is good.
But then again, that's just a flat line.

What's the point. 

What I would give to disappear.
Disappear into thin smoke. Into nothing.



(a.k.a. Exchange 23)

You may see a lot of beautiful things in this world.
But really, tell me...

What could be more beautiful than seeing the love of your life,
With his arms wrapped around you, as you sit on his lap...
And his face lying, nestled on your chest,
Eyes closed.

What could be more beautiful than running your hands through his hair,
With your lips kissing his forehead, his eyes, his cheeks, his nose...
And he stays still,
Breathing steady.

Tell me what could be more beautiful
Than this shared moment of silence.

Tell me.