This Will Be The Death Of Me
It was another one of those nights. Day 14 since I last heard from him. I found my way to the loo, barefoot. The cold floor already numbing my numb body. Totally opposite from the soul screaming in what looks like a lifeless person walking around the soils of the Earth.
I sure hide it quite well under all this goop of make-up. I'm on Stage 2 of recovery, slowly moving to 3.
*This is usually a cycle that happens. I try to quit him (stage 1) and I do what I can to move forward (stage 2), then I'm practically convinced I'm better off (stage 3) and I realise that I'm actually happy (stage 4). And then my phone beeps that tone assigned to him and I'm a pile of broken glass again*
I take out my make-up and light up a cigarette. I get a pair of scissors, and use one end to cut myself on one of my favourite spots 3 inches away from my left wrist. "Kind of pathetic", I think to myself. Waiting for the day when I'd finally muster up the courage to just get it over with. But I've just gotten back to this. It will probably take time before I get into the hardcore stuff.
I doubt he's gonna notice. It's not like I do this for him anyway. I'm sure this will just freak him out and would make him cut me out of his life for real. I keep lying to myself that it would actually be his loss. For me to be a loss, I would have to mean something to him.
Which I clearly don't. Because if I did, how could he survive all this time not talking to me, not EVEN READING my fucking messages when I know HE SEES THEM.
Too much talking.
I run one of the scissor blades over and over, slowly, but surely... Until I'm satisfied. I take a shower and go about my usual routine. Trying to save my skin from ageing, trying to look my best even if it's all pointless. None of this makes sense anymore. Deep down I am asking to be saved. But from what?
Ugh, I hate feeling restless. I get into my jammies and switch off the lights.
And just as I am about to fall asleep, there it is.
That beep. My phone's screen lights up.
And I take a deep breath.