Dear Diary




Ang hirap talaga nang walang sweldo. Hindi talaga ako 'yung tipo ng tao na pwede mong ilagay lang sa bahay para maglaba, maghugas ng pinggan, at kung ano-ano pa. Wish I could explain in detail what's really going on but it's a long story. Pero sa madaling salita, ilang buwan na akong walang sweldo, and it's gonna take awhile for everything to be processed. Of course I have to be patient, and I am willing to wait. And I have handled being broke for a month (nagkasabay-sabay ang gastusin), survived with SR 110.00 the whole month (barely PHP 1,200.00) and hindi siya biro.

Yesterday I feel like I've reached my breaking point. I think I did pretty well, I think. Pero hindi talaga biro once you've gotten used to a certain lifestyle. Wala naman akong masyadong luho (medyo lie) but I do like to splurge on eating out. 

Ilang buwan narin akong nakakulong lang dito sa bahay. Nakakabaliw. Selfie ako ng selfie, naiirita na ako sa sarili ko kase walang ka-kwenta kwenta 'yung pinagtutuunan ko ng oras ko. Wala na akong ginawa sa halos apat na buwan kungdi humiga, maghalungkat ng gamit para naman lumuwang-luwang na 'yung flat, puro gamit halos namin nila Mama mula nung 1997 when we moved here from the Philippines.

I miss being busy. 

I'm not the type of person who sets goals or makes a 5, 10 year plan. I try as much as possible to enjoy the moment and live in the present. Kumbaga, ito na nga lang 'yung libangan ko, to keep myself busy sa work, enjoy the fruits of my labor. Mababaw lang talaga 'yung kaligayahan ko. The sad part is, it's not the kind of lifestyle na pwedeng maatim habang nagba-banjing banjing ka. Hindi ko rin nae-enjoy 'yung lahat ng oras na 'to sa sarili ko. I want to make use of myself in things that matter to me, in things that could matter to a company. I miss it so much.

Tapos siyempre, I deprive myself pa of food that I want to eat, that's one thing. I'm so happy I'm losing all the fat I want to get rid of but at the same time I hate the fact that we have to do these things just so I can call myself "healthy enough". And 'yun nga, we had to prioritize our expenses. Ayaw din naman namin mangutang kase dagdag stress. Ang dami pang bayarin, pati sa Pinas.

Tapos, saksakan ng init dito. NASIRA PA 'YUNG A.C. sa kwarto. Sa kabilang kwarto naman, walang kama, punong-puno ng gamit na inaayos ko nga, puro kahon. Naglatag lang ng duvet doon sa kakapiranggot na space sa sahig, ang sakit na ng katawan ko pero doon lang may A.C. na gumagana. Siyempre hindi rin naman pwedeng buong araw na naka-bukas. Tinitiis ko 'yung init habang araw, dahil pag-gabi lang binubuksan.

Nakakasira na ng ulo. Parang gusto ko mawala nalang ng parang bula. I don't know if this is just hormones o ano. Kase habang sinusulat ko 'to umiiyak na ako. Nakakapagod na kase. 

What's funny is, I tried so hard to be so optimistic. And it worked for awhile. Pero chronically depressed ako eh. Para talagang sine wave ang buhay ko niyan sa pananaw ko. Pero dati kase nababaling ko lahat sa trabaho. I NEED TO GO BACK TO WORK.

Malamang babasahin ko 'to paulit-ulit, tapos tatawanan ko lang mamaya, pagkalipas ng ilang buwan baka mahiya ako sa mga nirereklamo ko.

Pero this is how I feel now.
I need a job. I need to work. I need to be able to keep myself busy and I need to see what's out of my flat. I don't really need or want to interact with a lot of people. I just want to SEE other people moving. I want to see cars moving. I want to see trees. I just want to see life happening around me. Funny, right?

And I know, I am still grateful and blessed to be where I am, to have what I have and stuff.  But it doesn't make my feelings invalid. I can't help but sigh and wonder how much longer do I have to endure this. 

This is not the life I was built for.
And there is only so much I can do.

There's nothing to be ashamed of if this is how I feel. You're not me, you don't know what it's like to be me. Thought I should say it out loud and not just repeatedly chant it in my head because it helps me. Hindi ko naman kinakahiya 'yung current state ng life ko. No one's life is perfect anyway. Just trying to keep it real.

Will keep this as a reminder din. One day I'm going to look back at this and be thankful that I went through it. As hard as it is, I surely did learn something here.

But all I'm saying is, IT'S DIFFICULT.

I can't wait to be happy again.
I need to be on the top-most part of the wave.

I just pray it all gets better. I pray that it does soon.
Malapit nanaman ako mawala.



2 comments:

  1. What happened wifeeeeyyyyy, may end date ba ang unemployment? :(

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    1. Medyo mahirap bago ako ma-absorb ng company, and that's the thing - WALANG TIMELINE. It's been 4 MONTHS, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. I don't blame anyone though. Rules are rules. I'm just praying for more patience. Kahit naman introvert mababaliw kung 4 months kang halos na nasa bahay lang at walang nakikitang mga taong naglalakad sa kalye at walang stray cats na nakakausap sa tabi-tabi. HAHAHA! HUHUHU! :(

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