You Do Not Need This
Not all friendships are meant to last. This was a painful, but liberating experience for me.
I don't know how it happened. I've always known deep down that I was an Introvert, trying her best to be an Extrovert. But those days are over. At one point I even made myself believe that I was an Ambivert. It was only recently, thanks to my current Professional and Financial situation that gave me no choice but to hole up in my flat that I realized and embraced who I really am : I hate People.
LOLJK. I don't really hate People. But I sort of do.
I hate small talk. I don't like filling awkward silences with small talk. I prefer to cringe in awkward silence because it gives me the opportunity to divert my attention to something else, most of the time, something I've been avoiding to think of. Basically, it allows me to go in the darker corners of my brain, the ones whose doors I thought I've successfully locked, intentionally throwing out its key in a place I wouldn't even go (my Happy Place? LOLJK). I've had a couple of terrible experiences whenever I try to function like a normal human being with even with strangers. I'm mostly misunderstood and pushed aside, my resting smiley face making me an easy target to be the resident pushover in any situation.
Well, I'm putting my foot down.
It was recently after I found myself ghosting a couple of friends that made me see the person I was becoming. I had my reasons for doing it, but deep down in my subconscious, I realized that I just didn't want to be caged anymore.
See, there are certain people in your life, certain friendships - that make you conform to their standards. Their beliefs, their opinions, etc. And I am SICK OF IT.
Yes, I'm Christian, and I love God so much, but I am an LGBTQ+ ally. I do not hate on my Atheist friends, I totally respect them for not having the same beliefs I have.
But there are things that have bothered me in the past few years. I'm in a Country where everything is limited - friends, means of having fun, etc. - Although I'm not complaining (I love this part of the Middle East so much, this is where I grew up), it just occurred to me that I am finally awake, and that I have my own two feet for a reason. One of them is to make a stand for myself.
I deactivated my Facebook account recently because I do not have a healthy relationship with my circle. I am oftentimes bullied and looked down upon for having differing views and opinions, which I have ranted about endlessly on Twitter. I am aware that the world isn't ready - for the open mind that I, and so little in my generation possess. Some of them even said they would pray for me because my beliefs, opinions and views scare them and made them question if they knew me at all.
Apparently, they don't. And I am not sticking around a group of people who find pleasure in bringing me down, in judging me - we all get that regularly from people we don't even know. If people who I thought were my friends are going to treat me the same, what's the use?
I got out of bed earlier this week and realized how much peaceful my life is, and how calm I've been since I broke out of their cage, their web - I'm no longer paralyzed by their opinions of me.
It's taking quite some time before I can master the art of ignoring their voices in my head. I've been around them so long that I knew I wouldn't be able to silence them at once, or at all. I'm taking whatever I could from this whole experience and I'm never going to close my eyes, or let anyone else control me like that anymore.
I carry my flaws with me every single day. I embrace them. I am aware of them and I study them. If I post a lot on my Facebook or Twitter or Instagram, that's because I'm just trying to let myself be myself. I'm an opinionated person. I'm not shoving them down anyone's throats. But I do like to share them in my own personal space. I'm not forcing anyone to like me either. That's what the Unfollow / Unfriend button is for. It's not going to be your, or my loss if you click on it. It will do both of us a favor.
Will I be telling these people who claim to be my friends that I am "walking away"? No. Because I will be misunderstood for it, and who am I kidding - they don't even know me to begin with. After all these years, I realized they were simply acquaintances, and we were all there to just keep each other company, but our relationship as friends never went deeper than that. There was never emotional support. It was like looking a bad version of the Mirror of Erised, instead they're filled with people telling you all the wrong things about you, including your terrible figure that isn't very Womanly. You can't touch past the mirror either. It's hard, flat - there is no depth to it.
I'm no stranger to bullying. And this isn't an invitation to my pity party, but it's definitely making me reflect on my life and giving me courage to stand by my decisions and beliefs. I should be fine if people don't like me, I should be fine if people think I'm obnoxious. Those are their opinions and I shouldn't put it upon myself to change for their benefit. But I'm never going to put myself in a situation where they have full control of my actions and words and thoughts.
I'm happy with the person I've become, and the person I know I'm becoming.
I haven't seen a lot of people for nearly a month now. And I could count the number of times I left the flat with one hand. But you know what? I feel awesome.
The world could be a tiring place to live in. You have to look, talk, dress and act a certain way for you to be accepted by it. But I'm done with that. I'll stick to looking the way I want to look, talking the way I want to talk, dressing the way I want to dress, and acting the way I want to act - no restrictions. I'm doing all that for me. I deserve it. I owe myself that much.
We only live once.
Do yourself a favor and let that really sink in.
Do yourself a favor and let that really sink in.