Chasing Our Tails


I'm trying to remember what it's like, moments before I'd receive a message from you. I'm trying to remember the usual things I'd do, my heart rate. What my thoughts were. But then nothing. 

All I could remember was how everything else disappeared, blurred in the background, shoved in the dark - all I know are those moments. Your "Hey", or "Hi", or whatever you decide to say first. Whatever weapon you choose to break the numbing silence, to stretch out to the distance.

But you keep taking me back here, to this hole, to this rut. And I don't know how much longer I have to wait this time, or if you're ever coming back. Why do you keep doing this to me, why do I let you, why have I given you so much power? Why am I so weak around you?

I've asked myself these questions, sometimes you, but from a distance, in silence - for years. But boy, do I like it. I realized I must like it - because I can never seem to stop. You, or myself, from going around in circles. Said it before and I'll say it again - you like giving me wings, but you also like cutting them off. I wonder who's more of the sadist between us.

I don't know how to deal with this sadness. I'm tossing and turning in bed, I'm restless. I feel like I'm about to lose it. I close my eyes and I see your face. And I want them to stay closed, until I know they would meet yours when I open them.

Of all the people I couldn't unlove, it had to be you.

Restless again.
I've paced around my room, singing this song, and I'm restless again.

How do I do this?
Tell me.
It feels like I'm drowning.
It feels like I'm sinking deeper.
And it keeps going, and I'm struggling, and I'm running out of breath but I don't.
It doesn't feel like I'm ever getting to the bottom.
I'm just sinking.
And I'm crawling out of my skin.

I'm banging my head on the wall.
And I'm choking.
I'm losing my breath.

What do I do.
Just hold me.
I've let myself go, but I've never lost grip of your hand.
I've let myself go, so don't let me.
The only way I know I'm here is because you are.
I've never ached as much for another.

I close my eyes and I see your face.
"What do we do now?" I ask. "We stay here", you say.
Where is here? I bury my head in my hands.

And I wait.
I wait 'til I feel your hands on my face.
Until you raise my head up for you to kiss me.

And I wait.
And I cry.
And I wait.
And I long.

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