Dear Diary

If I had a decent balcony (mine's full of boxes and dust), you'd probably find me there now with a couple of cans of Heineken and maybe a stick or two of Dunhill Menthols (the one with 'clickable filter') - definitely want to smoke right now...You know what? I will.

Found a dusty box of Vogues left by an old colleague in our office drawer. I took it home with me years ago. Thought I'd finished them all - turns out, there are 5 sticks left.

I took a step back today and looked at my life.
Looked at myself sprawled across the bed.
It's pretty good. This is all pretty good.

Threw a fit today because I wanted to have Pizza so bad.
Drew obliged. God bless him. It's not even our Cheat Day but I couldn't help myself.
It's also probably why I'm so optimistic today. My belly is refilled with Pizza and Soda.
Food always gets me.

Trying to make peace with the quiet. We're all always finding ways to kill silence, aren't we? It's such a scary place to be in, when you've nothing left but yourself and the voices in your head to fend. There's no one online. No notifications. Even your online self is dead. Thank God for this blog. People you used to talk to are too busy with work. Some, you've been avoiding on purpose.

Went through my old external hard drives and ugly cried yesterday after watching a video of me talking about my Birthday and how I spent it in an Emergency Room with my Mother who was undergoing Chemotherapy at the time. You think you're okay with something and you forget that you're just pretending how okay you are, until you realize that you aren't and how much of your life is a lie when it comes to the level of okay.

Today was kind of the opposite. I laughed so much, unearthing videos of me and Drew killing time at the Karaoke Booth in Timezone (Alabang Town, a.k.a. our "Second Home" back in the day). Oh my gosh. IT WAS PURE GOLD.

Hoping I'm this optimistic tomorrow.