Sunday Currently, 8.30

Sunday Currently, 8.30 from Abbie Almasco on Vimeo.

To be fair, I shot this video on Sunday. I'm an Adobe Premiere n00b, haven't used it since College. UGH.

Apologies for the imperfections on my face, didn't put anything on except for eyebrow make-up, mascara and lipstick. Couldn't even adjust the brightness of the whole clip because n00b. I will try my best to do better next time. Oh no, this might be something I'd be comfortable doing. 

Hello.


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Word Vomit




(a.k.a. Things I chose not to say on Twitter due to unnecessary timeline flooding, also 140 characters. Thoughts gathered on a daily, maybe weekly basis. VERY Random.)

By the way, that's a photo I took of a page in my Journal a year ago. See, smoking is my utmost form of rebelling against the World. That night, I stayed outside, on the dusty balcony, sat down on a monobloc with both legs up, and smoked about 10 sticks straight. I gathered all the butts and stuck them on my journal, which I was also writing on that night as a reminder of how ... I was in a really bad place. I wish I could tell you everything. But let's not.


>>
My Tombstone shall read: "She loved everything" Because it's true. I do love everything. I've accepted that I can be, err am obnoxious. Although I probably won't need a tombstone as I do want to be cremated. Can it be engraved on a gold plate to be screwed to the urn, then? Also maybe I'll change my mind about the text later on. When I was 18, I wanted the words "Here Lies Love" to be tattooed on my lower back, and always thought it was a fitting phrase to be written on a Tombstone. It's very cheesy. But I am cheesy.


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Should I be proud of myself for never using the words "Bae", "MCM", "WCM", "Squad Goals", etca, etca, etca? Again, totally pulled a Morgan on you because I'm smarter than you might have thoughten. Also, RANDOM FACT, I was watching an old episode of Morning Girls (with Kris! And Korina!) on YouTube earlier during one of Heart-John and Echo-Tin's guestings back in 2003, and found out that EchoTin used "BAIH" as a term of endearment to each other. Very jologs lang ng spelling, but wow ha.


>>
My Tumblrfriends are so cool. I feel so intimidated talking to them even if I only get to do most of that on Twitter, because they're the coolest. I just wanted to say it out loud in written form : I put these guys on a pedestal. They're all intelligent and creative people. I can't help but feel like crass. They're as real as real gets, and they inspire me. I hope I won't be so nervous the next time we hang out. Here's to hoping they get to read this just so they won't wonder why I'm so weird and seemingly "not present" in our next hang-out. That's just me trying not to say something stupid in front of you all. I LOVE YOU GUYS. I'm so happy Tumblr lead me to you.


MY UH-MAH-ZING Tumblrfriends.
For real, I had separation anxiety from them that night -
 AND IT WAS MY FIRST TIME to hang out with them! 
Photos by Mij, of course.


>>
This Buzzfeed listicle gave me life, because I finally confirmed to myself that I am no longer an Ambivert. Full-on Introvert now, you guys! Everything hit home. I mean, c'mon. Number 2 says JOB INTERVIEWS? How about every conversation EVER?


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These days, my defense mechanism is no longer wallowing in self-pity. Believe me, IT IS A FORM OF DEFENSE MECHANISM in my book. Of course, there's still that, but reduced. HA. I'm more into ANGER now. It's sort of new for me? Because I don't really like feeling angry, because it's so stressful. BUT I feel like people around me have left me no choice, which is silly because there is always a choice, but trust me, I've tried them all. So far, it's going great for me. I thank the heavens for whispering this idea of resurrecting my blog because I HAVE A PERSONAL SPACE ON THE INTERNET WHERE I ACTUALLY HAVE THE RIGHT TO VOICE OUT MY FEELINGS AND NO ONE SHOULD GIVE A FLYING TOOT BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FEELINGS AND MINE ALONE.


>>
Chui tweeted about her Moon Sign last month. And I didn't even know that there was such a thing as a Moon Sign. I found out years ago that apart from my Zodiac Sign (I'm a Cancer, if it isn't obvious enough), I am also an Aquarian. I entered my day, time and month of birth on the Moon Sign Calculator, and what zodiac sign comes as a result? AQUARIUS. And I'm psyched because Heart is an Aquarian. We have many things in common, not just the two moles on and on the side of our noses. Apart from this, I've taken a number of quizzes on Buzzfeed (which is very legit and which I take VERY SERIOUSLY), and when it comes to Zodiac-related quizzes, they often result with me being an Aquarian. Most of my traits these days make me an Aquarian. And I am very happy sharing this piece of information to you about myself. Basically, the Moon was in Aquarius at my time of Birth. The Moon happens to be Cancer's planet so there you go. But I don't know, I'm just trying to be Sherlock here which made me arrive to that conclusion.

>>
I don't know if I've stressed enough that I come from a family of Hoarders. I wish I could show you what my flat looks like, but I don't really want to have to come to that. There are some things you should really keep to yourself. But maybe I'll show you a couple of corners? Lol?


>>
Was forced to watch a Football Match with my boys this week, I think it's starting to grow on me? Oh dear, what is happening.


>>
Raleene snapped a photo of the Moleskine Diary that I want! I'm so jealz! I want it!


>>
Guys, there is a number of Drafts I have so far, all lined up to be published. I'm just SO HAPPY that I decided to go back to this. Obviously, this post is proof enough how cluttered my mind is. Do you know, that in between typing this post, I have three other tabs opened, and I would alternately type here, and then there, and in the other one, then the other one. Because dammit.


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Friday's Ten Happy Things.02




(Now with pictures! Because Belle may be right, but sharing and seeing photos is fun, too!)


1. FREEDOM. Little by little, I am coming to terms (for real, this time) with accepting who I am, even if that means I tend to like things most people don't, even if that means I'm the type of person who rants on Twitter (because nobody wants a wet blanket, right? I sure don't, but I am one for the most part, and I have to live with myself on a daily basis, so there's that), even if I know I could be really annoying. Even if I say "I love this, I love that, I love *insert name / event / thing / random word here* A LOT, because I actually do LOVE A LOT OF THINGS. I'm so done fighting who I am. All my faves are problematic, but what did Dave Grohl say about guilty pleasures again? I'm just DONE WITH APOLOGIZING FOR THE PERSON I AM. That Dear Diary post was so difficult for me to publish because people who don't really know me would end up being very judgmental. I mean, I'm actually judging myself for feeling that way, but I've always said that I should keep it as real as possible, especially to my future self (who will be reading these posts over and over next week). I can be petty sometimes - I believe I have good reasons, and sometimes, looking back at posts like that teach me a lesson : that some problems really ARE petty and though I have what I believe are valid reasons, I should be able to rise above them and try my best to rectify what needs to be rectified and leave the rest to God.

2. SNAPCHAT LIVE. Wednesday's Snapchat Live Feed was titled "Around  The World" and I was psyched that it included Kenya because IT IS BEAUTIFUL. Don't get to see that a lot. Among the other Cities were Dubai, Japan, New York and France. It was so inspiring. My favorite snap was taken by a Woman from Sudan who is currently residing in Dubai, saying something like, "In Dubai, all Nationalities come together", and then three other girls with her start stating where they're from. It's beautiful. And it's true - Dubai has such a diverse range of people. You can't help but admire what feels like all of Earth's populace walking in Dubai Mall / to Burj Khalifa / JBR / Basically everywhere.

3. CUSTOM NOTIFICATIONS. Decided to be very firm with being picky in terms of, gee, I don't know, knowing my "priorities"? Those red bubbles on the side of your app can be very irritating to see. I feel like they're putting a LOT of pressure on me. What if I want to drink water first? And maybe breathe? And maybe pee before I open the app? Goodness. CUT ME SOME SLACK, APPS! CUT ME SOME SLACK.

4. iCOMIX. Drew has gotten back to his old habit of reading Comics and he got me sucked in to the craze. He downloaded the gorgeous Archie reboot for me as well as "The Best of Archie Comics" because who the hell didn't grow up reading Archie and thank God for this app! He's trying to get me to read the Injustice Comics Series too and I just might. I also asked a couple of awesome people on the Internet (hello, Tumblrfriends currently reading this post, you know who you are!), and got awesome suggestions (OF COURSE), and I can't wait to feast my eyes on the goods. Happy that I'm finally trying to make good use of this time I have to myself. I was worried I'd have to sync them through iTunes and my Laptop is (as I have said repeatedly) busted again, but nope! Works with Dropbox. UH-MAH-ZING. I mean, I screencapped this strip of Betty and used it as my Twitter Cover Photo because DUH, it's the mood I'm wearing these days if you haven't noticed. Not much hate, really. So much anger and intolerance, is all.


5. iTUNES CARD. Because Drew gave me my monthly allowance (he's so generous, he makes me cry. I didn't even ask!), he treated me out to Dinner and stuffed our faces silly and then I went to recharge my Apple Account. Girl knows the importance of having Apple Money! If I have extra munniez I'm going to buy the $50.00 card because I want to buy ALL the Twilight Saga OSTs. I have a couple of songs on my other phone and I do have the entire album on my Laptop but *chimes with self* it is busted.


6. CHEATS. I was nagging Saab to save me a copy of their CD endlessly and was so scared I'd run out, but thanks to Number 6, I get to buy their album off iTunes! I've seen Cheats perform live numerous times and I'm not being biased but they are pure joy on stage. AND THIS ALBUM IS EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE. Sleepist is my current favorite, and of course, Newspaper Girl forever! You should definitely get your copy too! HERE, HERE, HERE!


I know. Slow internet is slow.


7. THESE GUYS. If you've been reading my boring blog for years, you'd know I became super close friends with these stupid people. We haven't really hung out like this for a LONG time because LIFE HAPPENED but thankfully we found the motivation to hang out like this again. We've had different patterns of getting together but nothing beats alone time like this. They're still the loves of my life and we still laugh like there's no tomorrow when we're all together. 



8. THIS CAKE. This is actually a stock photo I took of the Toasted Marshmallow Cake (with Grahams, OMNOM) from the Cheesecake Factory. I like eating there a lot because the food is SO GOOD, but I come back for this baby ALL THE TIME. Was able to take me a slice home and I can't wait to get it all over my mouth on Cheat Day. GUYS, IT IS INSANE. This is the ONLY cake I order from TCF since it was introduced to me by our awesome Waiter when it wasn't even officially on the menu yet earlier this year. I would usually have the White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle or the Mango Key Lime Pie or the Hershey's Chocolate Lover Cheesecake but GUYS. THIS IS INSANELY GOOD. GUYS. IT IS INSANE. GUYS, GUYS. GUYS.



9. RECONCILIATION. Upon moving to Jeddah back in '97, my family became very close with another Filipino Family, and they ended up becoming a part of our (and in no exaggeration), daily lives. They had a Daughter (one of two out of eight kids, if I remember correctly, but she was the only one living with them here) who is eight years my junior but became one of my closest friends. She slept over my place a lot and we always fought but it was what made our bond stronger, as proven by Science and almost every film in the 80's. During what I could say was the darkest time of my life (hopefully that was that, NO MORE, please), I sort of cut ties with a lot of people because I wanted to be "left alone". Wouldn't go into much detail, but I haven't seen them in years. This week, my Tito gave me a call, and instead of doing what I believe to be one of the skillz I excel in (which would be ghosting ... I'M SORRY, I'm a terrible person sometimes and my introversion is extreme), I took a deep breath and answered the call, then realizing how much I missed them. I felt so much better after catching up, like nothing happened. You could say, they know me well enough. I wasn't placed in a corner to explain my actions, I don't know why I forgot that. It was so relieved that we were all back in each other's lives, and that we are taking it a day at a time.


10. THIS PHOTO. Here's the back story : When I met my Tumblrpeoplez for the first time after about 5 years of being internet friends, I asked Mij to edit me in a photo that I wasn't in because it was taken after I had left. Of course, I ended up receiving this photo :



And then, it sort of became a thing, he did promise that I would be included in future photos whenever they meet. So imagine my glee when I saw this today :




Obviously. My Friday is made.
Thank you, Mij. Looking forward to the next ones until I'm finally with you all IRL! Hahaha! I'm so happy!!!


And, I spoke too much didn't I? I enjoyed this week's events though. On one of Shay Mitchell's Video Blogs, her friend asked her why she liked saying "This is the Best Day Ever" everyday, and she said something in the lines of , "Because it is, and I intend to say that everyday". 

I'm trying to live by those words too. Operative word being the second one in that sentence.

Life is awesome when you have Cake in the Fridge.
Happy Weekend, Kids.

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Well?



(a.k.a. Exchange 28)

It was a couple of hours before Midnight. We decided to look for a place to eat. 

"I can't believe we're here!", I said, smiling from ear to ear as I gazed around one of the sadder areas of our favorite city.

"Are you happy?", you asked, putting your arms around me.

"Very", I replied.

Three simple words, then again, when it came to you, your questions never really are just questions. And your words never really are just words. They're an expression, a declaration, they're your legs and arms and heart, wrapped around me.

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Dear Diary




Ang hirap talaga nang walang sweldo. Hindi talaga ako 'yung tipo ng tao na pwede mong ilagay lang sa bahay para maglaba, maghugas ng pinggan, at kung ano-ano pa. Wish I could explain in detail what's really going on but it's a long story. Pero sa madaling salita, ilang buwan na akong walang sweldo, and it's gonna take awhile for everything to be processed. Of course I have to be patient, and I am willing to wait. And I have handled being broke for a month (nagkasabay-sabay ang gastusin), survived with SR 110.00 the whole month (barely PHP 1,200.00) and hindi siya biro.

Yesterday I feel like I've reached my breaking point. I think I did pretty well, I think. Pero hindi talaga biro once you've gotten used to a certain lifestyle. Wala naman akong masyadong luho (medyo lie) but I do like to splurge on eating out. 

Ilang buwan narin akong nakakulong lang dito sa bahay. Nakakabaliw. Selfie ako ng selfie, naiirita na ako sa sarili ko kase walang ka-kwenta kwenta 'yung pinagtutuunan ko ng oras ko. Wala na akong ginawa sa halos apat na buwan kungdi humiga, maghalungkat ng gamit para naman lumuwang-luwang na 'yung flat, puro gamit halos namin nila Mama mula nung 1997 when we moved here from the Philippines.

I miss being busy. 

I'm not the type of person who sets goals or makes a 5, 10 year plan. I try as much as possible to enjoy the moment and live in the present. Kumbaga, ito na nga lang 'yung libangan ko, to keep myself busy sa work, enjoy the fruits of my labor. Mababaw lang talaga 'yung kaligayahan ko. The sad part is, it's not the kind of lifestyle na pwedeng maatim habang nagba-banjing banjing ka. Hindi ko rin nae-enjoy 'yung lahat ng oras na 'to sa sarili ko. I want to make use of myself in things that matter to me, in things that could matter to a company. I miss it so much.

Tapos siyempre, I deprive myself pa of food that I want to eat, that's one thing. I'm so happy I'm losing all the fat I want to get rid of but at the same time I hate the fact that we have to do these things just so I can call myself "healthy enough". And 'yun nga, we had to prioritize our expenses. Ayaw din naman namin mangutang kase dagdag stress. Ang dami pang bayarin, pati sa Pinas.

Tapos, saksakan ng init dito. NASIRA PA 'YUNG A.C. sa kwarto. Sa kabilang kwarto naman, walang kama, punong-puno ng gamit na inaayos ko nga, puro kahon. Naglatag lang ng duvet doon sa kakapiranggot na space sa sahig, ang sakit na ng katawan ko pero doon lang may A.C. na gumagana. Siyempre hindi rin naman pwedeng buong araw na naka-bukas. Tinitiis ko 'yung init habang araw, dahil pag-gabi lang binubuksan.

Nakakasira na ng ulo. Parang gusto ko mawala nalang ng parang bula. I don't know if this is just hormones o ano. Kase habang sinusulat ko 'to umiiyak na ako. Nakakapagod na kase. 

What's funny is, I tried so hard to be so optimistic. And it worked for awhile. Pero chronically depressed ako eh. Para talagang sine wave ang buhay ko niyan sa pananaw ko. Pero dati kase nababaling ko lahat sa trabaho. I NEED TO GO BACK TO WORK.

Malamang babasahin ko 'to paulit-ulit, tapos tatawanan ko lang mamaya, pagkalipas ng ilang buwan baka mahiya ako sa mga nirereklamo ko.

Pero this is how I feel now.
I need a job. I need to work. I need to be able to keep myself busy and I need to see what's out of my flat. I don't really need or want to interact with a lot of people. I just want to SEE other people moving. I want to see cars moving. I want to see trees. I just want to see life happening around me. Funny, right?

And I know, I am still grateful and blessed to be where I am, to have what I have and stuff.  But it doesn't make my feelings invalid. I can't help but sigh and wonder how much longer do I have to endure this. 

This is not the life I was built for.
And there is only so much I can do.

There's nothing to be ashamed of if this is how I feel. You're not me, you don't know what it's like to be me. Thought I should say it out loud and not just repeatedly chant it in my head because it helps me. Hindi ko naman kinakahiya 'yung current state ng life ko. No one's life is perfect anyway. Just trying to keep it real.

Will keep this as a reminder din. One day I'm going to look back at this and be thankful that I went through it. As hard as it is, I surely did learn something here.

But all I'm saying is, IT'S DIFFICULT.

I can't wait to be happy again.
I need to be on the top-most part of the wave.

I just pray it all gets better. I pray that it does soon.
Malapit nanaman ako mawala.



2 comments:

Sunday Currently, 08.23




Late post. It's still Sunday somewhere.

READING.
Alternately reading between Lena Dunham's "Not That Kind of Girl" and Chuck Palahniuk's "Diary", which I have both been reading for ages but haven't finished yet because life got in the way.

WRITING.
Apart from this post, there's an upcoming post called "Word Vomit", I can't wait to publish.

LISTENING.
To Carly Rae Jepsen's "Gimmie Love", which I think is my second favorite off her album.

THINKING.
About last night. It's been years since my loves and I hung out that way. I love them so much. I'm so happy it happened.


Apologies for the grainy photo!

SMELLING.
The Olive Oil on my face?

WISHING.
Last night would happen again, real soon. Like this week.

HOPING.
Everything works out. I just want them to work out. "Future" things.

WEARING.
An old tank dress from People Are People that I have converted into pambahay.

LOVING.
That tomorrow's Snapchat Live Feed will include stories from Jeddah! I apologize in advance. And I want you to know that Jeddah is awesome.

WANTING.
To stuff my face with all the food I love from Texas Roadhouse and The Cheesecake Factory. Also, the new SMOKY Palette from UD, of course!

NEEDING.
To stuff my face with all the food I love from Texas Roadhouse and The Cheesecake Factory. Also, the new SMOKY Palette from UD, of course!

FEELING.
Very nostalgic.

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Friday's Ten Happy Things.01





Finally joining the Bandwagon! Boy, hasn't it been awhile since I'm this giddy sitting in front of the computer, thinking of happy things that made me smile this week. As you know, I've been dumping all my /wrist posts in this blog, so why not balance it out by spreading good vibes sometimes? Thanks to my wifey Helga, who basically introduced me to this weekender ritual.

And I would be blabbering on for an hour before getting to it, so I should just, yeah, here goes :


1. ANOTHER PERIOD. When I dove in, the show was already in it's 5th episode. I was so obsessed that I ended up watching all 5 episodes about ten times that day. Since seeing it, I knew that my level of dumb and crazy made me a fitting Bellacourt. And then Lilian's second name is Abigail, so there's that.

2. BLOGGING. Resurrecting my Blog was one of the best decisions I made this year. I forgot what it was like to be in a love/hate relationship with HTML, and honestly, I ended up crying while trying to figure it out. 

3. BEING BROKE. Ever since I found myself in this situation (something I don't really want to disclose in public, but not to worry - all is well), I always saw it a blessing in disguise because I knew I was going to learn a lot from the whole experience. Of course I won't be a hypocrite to say that it isn't hard and that I don't hate it (it is hard, and I do hate it), though I can't charge anything to my dead credit card, I could at least charge it to experience.

4. HEART EVANGELISTA. This week, Heart replied to me twice on Instagram. If you're reading my blog for the first time (Hello, by the way!), then now is probably the best time for me to tell you I am the biggest Heart Evangelista fan there is. 

5. LOSING BELLY FAT. Another upside to being broke is being able to stay within my allowed calorie intake per day. I don't know how I do it, but I sort of disciplined myself to a.) Not over-indulge (meaning I don't let myself go into my ~favorite~ state : food coma) and b.) Work-out 5 if not 6 days a week. And voila, I can now see my hip bones! I just want Kendall Jenner's torso, guys.

6. JADINE. Because, oh my goodness like I even need to explain why. I'm a fan of all these *~loveteams~*, I also like KathNiel and LizQuen and I hate it when their fans hate on each other. You can love them all if you want. I live a peaceful life. I am proof that it is possible. Why do you have to compare them all the time? I know not all people like Daniel Padilla, but that doesn't make me a terrible person with terrible taste if I do. If I'm being honest, Enrique is a more problematic fave for me because I don't like the way he acts but hey, I like him anyway. Life is simple, you know. 

7. NATALIE MERCHANT. I was watching Season 6 of Parks and Rec when I heard Leslie use "Kind and Generous" as her background music on her Friendship Slideshow for Anne. And this song just brought back a lot of happy, High School memories.In fact, I'm listening to it while typing this post.

8. MAYA. Maya is one of my Soulmates who I was blessed to meet in 6th grade. It wasn't until Sophomore Year that we ended up to be close friends all the way to right now and forever. She left for the Philippines two weeks ago and this week, I found out she'd be back for awhile and I am surely going to hug the heck out of her. I was pretty much jealous of the Philippines because Maya's in it. And no, it's not the other way around. 

9. CLEAN SHEETS. Changed my sheets this week! How can you not be thankful for the little things? 

10. THE FUTURE. Little by little, I'm getting a confirmation on what my life will be like in 2016. And I could not be more excited. And scared. It's the best feeling ever. Which I will hopefully be able to share with you, God willing.


And that's it! There's quite a handful more but I'll probably just type it for next week's. That's how it works, right? Yes? YES. Enjoy your weekend, Kids.


/ZOMGNEWONEDIRECTIONVIDEOKBYE


2 comments:

Dear Diary




I'm feeling kind of lost. Then again, I have felt, and probably am lost for awhile. But I think I'm in a good place.

I look in the mirror and no longer try to find the girl that once smiled at me. I try to understand her. She isn't meant to be found, really. She's meant to be known. That part of me wasn't gone. She's still in there, in here. Only she's changed.

You know, we always tell ourselves that when people think we've changed, it's almost always bad news for them. Because we aren't the same people, and the person they all think they knew is long gone, and that they're going to have to get used to this whole new person. We smile less, we talk less. But what if this is what makes you happy, and makes you, what you believe ... to be better? They think it's a lot of work for them, right? But I guess they've never wondered what's it even like to be in your shoes.

I feel like whoever I am now, it's just a phase that will lead me to the person I am meant to be. I've accepted that I'm not meant to stay the same person after everything I've been through, and will be going through.

Life changes us everyday. And there are certain things you learn to accept and know is for the best. It always works out for the best anyway.

There are days when I still struggle, there are days when all I want to do is lie in bed. And then I tell myself that it's okay to. That I should take all the time I need. Because I do need it. Afterwards, I do feel better.

I don't know why I have to say it to myself over and over, type it over and over. But it's probably my way of ... I don't know, affirmation? We are all our own best friend. We do what we have to, to get by.

Society tells us that we should know who we are and what we're meant to do with our lives at this point. But we all know that age is just a number. I'm here to enjoy the ride. I'm here to enjoy the journey. I'm here to savor what I have right here, right now, and at the same time, do what I can to be able to live a life of contentment, of happiness. Why are people so afraid of that word anyway? Contentment. It's not like you're settling. And if you are, but you're happy? Who's to say that's not a fulfilling life?

We all have great, big adventures ahead of us. You spend a day at an Amusement Park, and you'd still feel the thrill and excitement of the whole experience even if you don't get your ass on the Roller Coaster, or heck - even the Ferris Wheel. We're all built differently, with different likes. With different choices. Either way, I trust in the fact that we can all enjoy it, if we choose to, and if we stand by those choices.

I'm just tired of pressuring myself to be in a place where my people my age are. I'm tired of pressuring myself to do things that people my age do. We all get out this one way. Why would I want to live my life like everyone else?


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My Eyes


This is me today. Blog is up and running, ROUGHLY.
I kid you not, but I have been sitting in front of the PC since 6 in the morning. It is now 3:00 P.M. No regrets (just love for my hard work) (ew, I don't like Katy Perry anymore).



Thank you Mij for helping me out! After I bombarded him with questions, I tried my best to understand XML, I tried googling LESSONS, YouTube videos, ended up on the HOW-TO-FOR-DUMMIES blog, and then I found myself crying.

Hours after scrolling up and down, up and down, burning the code with my eyes, I was able to figure it out...somehow.

Still far from finished, there's still so much to do but it's coming together. And now, food.



0 comments:

Mane


I've been very fickle-minded with my hair in the past year. I'm not courageous enough to go wild with hair color (not to disregard the time I did the Ombré and side-shaved my head), but I've done pretty much damage especially when I impulsively permed it in 2013. and then got it straightened in the same year (which failed, and lead to more damage).

Then I had my first Balayage coloring done from Salon-which-shall-not-be-named (LOL). And then it wore off, so I dyed my own hair at home with a darker, oh, much darker shade.

And then I decided to go light again, and thanks to my crush,  Jae (Pickrell), I discovered JuRo Salon in BGC. They were awesome. And not like you need it, but here's proof :


My eyebrows were super dark in the photo because I walked in the Salon with jet black hair. Thought I'd explain that. Ha!

They were so hands-on and they made me feel like I was getting the treatment I was paying for. They were genuine people, not just people in business. You barely get that these days. 

And then, sometime last week, I noticed how the color turned slight orangey, which was bound to happen. It wasn't my style, and I won't be flying home anytime soon, and apart from the fact that I am flat broke, I also do not trust salons here - I had no choice but to color it myself. 


And then, much to Jude's (future) dismay, I decided to cut my hair myself. It's something I've done in the past because, it's therapeutic. I kind of regretted it the minute I snipped BUT it was rewarding. And you know what they say about people who make drastic changes with their hair.


I'm going to have to regularly use my Babyliss Curl Secret (a.k.a. my bestie) just so I can sport those loose waves. Thankfully I'm taong-bahay these days and don't require much magic done. 

Everyone is sporting medium-length and darker hair these days. Thought I'd join the party. But of course, give me a few weeks and I'd be pulling my hair for it to grow longer faster.

Rose gave me a tip for my hair type : it doesn't need a lot of salon treatments, it was my first time to not be offered a "package" to treat my hair (it was refreshing), instead, she told me I should just regularly use hair masks since it tends to dry. I mean, I live in the Middle East.

Definitely not a sponsored post - but I'm telling you, your money spent in JuRo Salon? Worth every cent. I'm definitely going back there when I'm home for vacation. 


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Ano Na?



I have so much time to myself these days. I couldn't be any more grateful for it. I have more hours to look out the Window, to stare at myself in the Mirror. Watch my Cat sleep.

I would lie in bed and be all present. Be there. And yet, not be. But in a long time, it doesn't really scare me anymore. I'm not afraid to wander off. I'm not afraid of the silence.

I'm trying to get used to being this person. Trying to remember the way I was months, years ago... I know a part of me is still in there somehow, but I'm loving who I've become now. Partially, emotionally dead. Just what I need. I've been too fragile for this world. 

I have so much time to study myself, and to accept who I am in the process. Thought I knew all my flaws, but now I really do. And I cringe whenever I come to these realizations, and then I try my best to change them if I could, if I should... with no pressure.

It's really beautiful.
At the same time, really scary.

I keep wishing my mind isn't playing tricks on me. But then again, I should be stronger than that.
I mean, c'mon.

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This Song To Go With This Mood


Found this gem of a demo song through my Tumblrfriend Shinji, after he posted it on Twitter. THIS SONG IS AMAZING. And he has a few others on his Soundcloud too. Definitely someone you should listen to.

Ang dami kong feels, Guys. BRB.


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You Do Not Need This


Not all friendships are meant to last. This was a painful, but liberating experience for me. 

I don't know how it happened. I've always known deep down that I was an Introvert, trying her best to be an Extrovert. But those days are over. At one point I even made myself believe that I was an Ambivert. It was only recently, thanks to my current Professional and Financial situation that gave me no choice but to hole up in my flat that I realized and embraced who I really am : I hate People.

LOLJK. I don't really hate People. But I sort of do. 

I hate small talk. I don't like filling awkward silences with small talk. I prefer to cringe in awkward silence because it gives me the opportunity to divert my attention to something else, most of the time, something I've been avoiding to think of. Basically, it allows me to go in the darker corners of my brain, the ones whose doors I thought I've successfully locked, intentionally throwing out its key in a place I wouldn't even go (my Happy Place? LOLJK). I've had a couple of terrible experiences whenever I try to function like a normal human being with even with strangers. I'm mostly misunderstood and pushed aside, my resting smiley face making me an easy target to be the resident pushover in any situation.

Well, I'm putting my foot down. 

It was recently after I found myself ghosting a couple of friends that made me see the person I was becoming. I had my reasons for doing it, but deep down in my subconscious, I realized that I just didn't want to be caged anymore. 

See, there are certain people in your life, certain friendships - that make you conform to their standards. Their beliefs, their opinions, etc. And I am SICK OF IT. 

Yes, I'm Christian, and I love God so much, but I am an LGBTQ+ ally. I do not hate on my Atheist friends, I totally respect them for not having the same beliefs I have. 

But there are things that have bothered me in the past few years. I'm in a Country where everything is limited - friends, means of having fun, etc. - Although I'm not complaining (I love this part of the Middle East so much, this is where I grew up), it just occurred to me that I am finally awake, and that I have my own two feet for a reason. One of them is to make a stand for myself.

I deactivated my Facebook account recently because I do not have a healthy relationship with my circle. I am oftentimes bullied and looked down upon for having differing views and opinions, which I have ranted about endlessly on Twitter.  I am aware that the world isn't ready - for the open mind that I, and so little in my generation possess. Some of them even said they would pray for me because my beliefs, opinions and views scare them and made them question if they knew me at all. 

Apparently, they don't. And I am not sticking around a group of people who find pleasure in bringing me down, in judging me - we all get that regularly from people we don't even know. If people who I thought were my friends are going to treat me the same, what's the use?

I got out of bed earlier this week and realized how much peaceful my life is, and how calm I've been since I broke out of their cage, their web - I'm no longer paralyzed by their opinions of me. 

It's taking quite some time before I can master the art of ignoring their voices in my head. I've been around them so long that I knew I wouldn't be able to silence them at once, or at all. I'm taking whatever I could from this whole experience and I'm never going to close my eyes, or let anyone else control me like that anymore.

I carry my flaws with me every single day. I embrace them. I am aware of them and I study them. If I post a lot on my Facebook or Twitter or Instagram, that's because I'm just trying to let myself be myself. I'm an opinionated person. I'm not shoving them down anyone's throats. But I do like to share them in my own personal space. I'm not forcing anyone to like me either. That's what the Unfollow / Unfriend button is for. It's not going to be your, or my loss if you click on it. It will do both of us a favor.

Will I be telling these people who claim to be my friends that I am "walking away"? No. Because I will be misunderstood for it, and who am I kidding - they don't even know me to begin with. After all these years, I realized they were simply acquaintances, and we were all there to just keep each other company, but our relationship as friends never went deeper than that. There was never emotional support. It was like looking a bad version of the Mirror of Erised, instead they're filled with people telling you all the wrong things about you, including your terrible figure that isn't very Womanly. You can't touch past the mirror either. It's hard, flat - there is no depth to it.

I'm no stranger to bullying. And this isn't an invitation to my pity party, but it's definitely making me reflect on my life and giving me courage to stand by my decisions and beliefs. I should be fine if people don't like me, I should be fine if people think I'm obnoxious. Those are their opinions and I shouldn't put it upon myself to change for their benefit. But I'm never going to put myself in a situation where they have full control of my actions and words and thoughts.

NOT ANYMORE.

I'm happy with the person I've become, and the person I know I'm becoming.

I haven't seen a lot of people for nearly a month now. And I could count the number of times I left the flat with one hand. But you know what? I feel awesome. 

The world could be a tiring place to live in. You have to look, talk, dress and act a certain way for you to be accepted by it. But I'm done with that. I'll stick to looking the way I want to look, talking the way I want to talk, dressing the way I want to dress, and acting the way I want to act - no restrictions. I'm doing all that for me. I deserve it. I owe myself that much.

We only live once.

Do yourself a favor and let that really sink in.






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Where Were We?

I don't know where to begin.

That's the best way to begin a blog post, because it gets the whole awkwardness of ... whatever this is, out of the way. I think. Dawson's Creek is playing in the background. Gringo is on the bed, he was snuggling with me earlier but we got into a fight and I ended up with a small scratch on my leg. GREAT WORK, MEREDITH. I WAS JUST TRYING TO LOVE YOU AND NOW YOU OWE ME 40 MILLION DOLLARS.

My Laptop's busted. It's one of the reasons why I haven't been here lately. I tried to do the whole blogging on my phone thing but it's not the same. I grew up typing on typewriters. A keyboard is needed, it's like wanking off but for my fingers. Wait.

Anyway.
I have so many feelings these days. But what's new. I won't be myself if I hadn't been overflowing with feelings. I've pulled myself off of Facebook temporarily. It's getting too toxic. I used to hate the comments section of posts uploaded by The Times (let's pretend I'm from New York and when I say "The Times", you know I'm referring to New York Times), Guardian, Time, etca, etca, etca (and yes I totally just pulled a Morgan on you. I'm smarter than you may have thoughten). It was a joy for me to be sharing my thoughts and for people agree with me while some call me an idiot.

I figured maybe I should do that here? But that would make my blog too political. But I'm getting older. I can't help but have strong opinions on current events. But listen to me talk about "current events" and I'm watching Season 3 of Dawson's Creek. Lol?

I've been cooped up at home lately, working remotely.
Been going through boxes and boxes and boxes almost everyday, down to the last 10 smaller ones in my parents' old room. It's quite a challenge sorting through 17 years of my life. Everything is supposedly a part of my life, everything has a trace of my Mom, so it's tough to let some of them go. If I'm a Hoarder, my Mom is the Queen. But I love her just the same. I laugh whenever I unearth most of the things she kept. Mom, we do not need all these wet tissues. Mom, why have you kept 7 years worth of used prepaid cards. Oh, I miss you.

What do you want us to talk about? I'd want to word vomit on the internet on a regular basis again. Maybe everyday? Is that bad?

Ah yes, this is where we left off.
Alright, here we go.



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